unpleasant old feelings

27 Sep

I’ve probably been paying more attention to the current Supreme Court business than is healthy, and the salaciousness of everything is certainly increasing the coverage this particular reality show being put on by our government is getting. Mostly, though, I’m hating the fact that here, in 2018, we’re where we are as a society, that in spite of all the stories we were told as children; that those in charge would be mature, responsible adults we could trust; really aren’t; they’re the same preppie jock assholes who casually abused all of us who weren’t in the “in crowd”.

This piece that Lili Loofbourow wrote for Slate this week really gets to the heart of it; the bullies who tormented the nerds and harassed the pretty girls, the ones we were all told would be pumping our gas someday, are in charge of this asylum we call America, and no matter how successful those of us who weren’t the popular kids become, seeing guys like Kavanaugh, who I’m sure gave his share of wedgies and knocked his share of books out of the nerds’ hands in the hallway, getting away with this shit, in the highest eschelons of power; dredges up all sorts of repressed feelings I thought I was over years ago.

My particular discomfort, I freely admit, is not particularly significant compared to the sexual assaults these sorts of people inflicted on women like Dr. Blasey Ford, the other women who’ve come forward, the many more I’m sure haven’t, and all those I’ve seen revisiting and re-experiencing their own experiences this week, but nonetheless, I find myself feeling things like rising resentment of all those folks who teased me for being the fat kid or the nerd or whatever. It doesn’t matter that I’ve found success, if not fulfillment in my career, raised a wonderful family, and developed a wonderfully supportive network of creative and wonderful friends and collaborators, and even get to be, on the occasional weekend, a bad ass rock star; when this sort of thing (particularly that yearbook stuff) comes to the fore, I’m an awkward, overweight fourteen year old getting teased by the damned jock assholes (that the adults seemed to think were above reproach) again.

I really don’t like feeling this way. Damn it all.


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