I am legitimately, wholeheartedly trying to do my job today, though the technology on the back end is doing it’s damnedest to prevent me from actually doing it. After the disaster of an email/messaging experience on Friday, it seems we’re back to more of the same after the long weekend. I managed to access things long enough this morning to catch the notification regarding the issue and the intention to push a fix through today (Tuesday) morning instead of the logical bank holiday Monday when none of the users would be on to crash things.

That’s just one more little piece of frustration garnishing an already huge stress and frustration casserole. The long weekend was a weekend, but didn’t do much for my general outlook on life; lots of reinforcement of the whole overall feeling of not being able to make progress on things or find much in the way of success or victory, be it big or small; I’m badly in need of a win; any kind of win, in the face of all kinds of perceived setbacks, but it’s just not happening.

I feel like I’m hitting all kinds of walls, professionally, personally, emotionally, and as part of the larger community (as in “the world’s going to hell and I can’t do much about it) and am struggling with feelings of failure. I just can’t get ahead; stuck in a morass of responsibility, disacknowledgement, and depression. On top of that is the feelings of guilt for feeling that way, because compared to a lot of the world, I’m doing pretty damned well, with roof over my head, a job I’m not in danger of losing, and a family that’s alive, not in jail, or addicted to illicit substances. My problems are purely First World, and although my feelings are real, it’s hard for me to consider them valid given how much worse everyone else has it.

I guess this is what a mid-life crisis is. Would probably be easier if I was a purely selfish bastard. The Current State of Things™ doesn’t help, as it severely limits one’s ability to access pressure release valves; even the stereotypical asshole mid-life crisis ones like going out buying sports cars, hair pieces, or having illicit affairs, which I have no particular interest in.* I think the best remedy would be to be able to get out and play music with/for my friends again, but…yeah.

That’s the frame of mind I approach my week with; so you can infer what I’m expecting. Nothing novel on the agenda, but that’s taken as read. At least it’s short (though the short ones always feel longer).

Oh, since my fish tank is overflowing with it, I’ve got some java moss for sale up on Aquabid, in case you need an aquatic plant that’s damned near impossible to kill.

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* – …okay, the car has it’s appeal, but mine would likely be odd, and not the usual late model ‘Vette with the automatic transmission (this is more my style); I’m a big believer in “slow car fast over fast car slow” anyway. In any case, I don’t have the resources to drop on that kind of project anyway.