Why, you ask? Because he’s already hunted vampires, fought zombies, and we can’t prove he wasn’t a ninja robot t-rex. Also, today is, after all, International Talk Like A Pirate Day, and this is exactly the kind of thing one does to celebrate:

Ahoy! Four score an’ se’en voyages ago th’ old salts brought fore on these waters, a new crew, free an’ dedicated t’ th’ accord that all swabs be on the account.

Now we be engaged in war amongst we brothers o’ th’ coast, testin’ whether that crew, or any crew so conceived an’ so dedicated, can hold fast. We be met on th’ briney deep. We be gathered t’ th’ Spanish Main, Davey Jone`s locker fer them who here gave the’r lives that th’ crew might sail. ‘t be altogether fittin’ an’ proper that we be ortin’ ta do this.

We canna dedicate — we canna consecrate — we canna hallow — th’ deep. Scallywags, livin` or dead men be, layed by th’ lee, be havin’ consecrated ‘t, far above our poor power t’ add or detract. Ye`ll nay strike th’ colors, nor long reckon what we say here, but ‘t can nereforget what they did here. ‘Tis fer us th’ livin’, rather, t’ be dedicated here t’ th’ unfinished work which they who fought here be havin’ walked the plank. ‘Tis rather fer us t’ be comin’ about t’ th’ great task remainin’ before us — that from these honored dead we take increased custom fer that cause which they gave th’ last full piece of eight — that we here highly resolve that these dead shall nay be havin’ sank t’Davy Jones’ locker in vain — that this crew, damn th’r eyes, be havin’ a new birth o’ freedom — an’ that th’ Articles o’ th’ brethren, by th’ brethren, fer th’ brethren, shant dance wi’ Jack Ketch.

Yes, I know I’ve posted pirate translations of our sixteenth President before (many, many, voyages ago in annals of history), but this is a much better translation, so I’m doing it again, in the interest of accuracy.

In any case, enjoy your “Arrr!”s and “Avast”s today. Also, please enjoy Jonah’s The Pirate Song while you’re at it.