Having been a parent for more than a decade now, I feel that I’m at least a little bit qualified to talk about trends in parenting; I can’t say that as parents, my spouse and I have gotten everything right (far from it), but we’ve had enough practice over the course of three kids to develop a style that works for our family. That style shouldn’t be considered that controversial, really; we’re merely raising our kids to be responsible, independent, and inquisitive citizens of the world.

It’s a shame that our style diverges so much from that of our peers and immediate generational predecessors.

The style du jour is, of course, helicopter parenting, where parents, like helicopters, constantly hover nearby, always ready to swoop in and intercede whenever there’s a perceived threat. The wikipedia link above also references other terms I like, such as “Curling parents” (who attempt to sweep things out of their kid’s path) and “lawnmower parents” (who try to “mow down” obstacles in front of their children).

My favorite description, however (mentioned here in the comment section) is “smothers”, which covers the whole phenomenon succinctly (you really ought to read that whole post I linked to; it’s quite good).

-Apologies for the linguistic digression; these things, however, interest me-

Anyway, helicopter parenting; over-protective parenting. it’s here, and it’s the order of the day among most people. A quick example: My oldest enjoys riding her bike to the store a couple of blocks away now and then; no biggie, she’s mature enough to handle it, and she is issued the extra cell phone in case she runs into trouble. Invariably, she returns safely without incident, aglow with pre-teen independence with a cold soda pop in her backpack.

Then we hear about it from other parents we know who saw her out on her own, and they’re scandalized(!!!111one!eleventy!) that we let her out by herself in the big bad world like that.

I’m not sure when things changed, really, though I do know the line doesn’t fall too far past my birth; there are clear differences in how parenting was handled for someone born the year I was and someone born even two years later, by the same parent in some cases; and many of these children (now adults in their late 20s and early 30s) aren’t as capable of independent living – they’ve never had the chance, given that mom and dad are always swooping in to intercede on their behalf in college admissions, job interviews, and salary negotiations!

Clearly, I’m not a huge fan of this trend: kids who never have the chance to fail are never going to have the chance to try again and learn they can succeed on their own with effort (even if it’s hard for a parent to sit back and watch he kid fall short in the first place). Every parent wants to be “needed”, certainly, but I’d much rather have my kids take the initiative to (in age- and maturity-appropriate circumstances) work out their challenges on their own first.

I think as a parent, seeing the kid succeed on their own merits has a better reward anyway; pride in both the kid’s accomplishments, and in the fact that I, the parent, successfully raised smart, independently functional offspring, is far better than the feeling I’d get by swooping in and playing the hero the moment the kid hits a roadblock. After a certain point, in a lot of areas, being “needed” means I didn’t do my job as a dad.

I wish more parents could learn that lesson.

My wife and I are big fans of the whole Free-Range kids concept, which, as I said, isn’t particularly controversial; set limits, but within those limits, let the kids have a certain degree of autonomy and freedom to learn to deal with failure, and how it’s merely one of the steps along the road to success in life.

It’s what generally worked for me when I was young, and it’s what’s working for my kids; and that’s all that really matters.

Like I said, I’m not sure where this trend came from, but I have some theories, which I think I shall investigate in a future post.