Warning: uncharacteristically serious, and maybe a little personal

The news about Robin Williams, by all accounts, sucks. Lots of people loved the guy’s work; I wasn’t what you’d call a super-fan, but I really liked and respected a lot of his performances, particularly the more dramatic stuff – you know, the bearded roles. For all the comedic, spastic antics he was known for, the guy could really play serious, even dark, effectively. I think it’s because he actually had a lot of darkness buried in there, which he covered up with the comedy and schtick.

That sort of thing feels familiar. Reminds me of my dad. And of me.

According to the publicist statement and all that, Williams’ death is pretty clearly a suicide, sparked, primarily, by depression. Again, feels familiar. Really familiar. Williams even kind of looked like Dad.

Clinical depression’s really a strange, unfortunate thing. It’s a disease; an actual disease with with it’s own entry in the DSM-IV and everything, but it’s one of those diseases that society doesn’t always treat like a disease. People are sympathetic to things, but don’t understand that it’s not a thing that can be cured by simply *cheering up* – chemical imbalances in the brain just don’t work that way. It’s a frustrating thing, and this kind of “helpful advice” can actually be pretty detrimental, because people with depression don’t always get it either. If you don’t have the information, trying to take that at advice, and being patently unable to actually cheer up, can actually aggravate things and make it worse.

It’s a hard thing to address. John Roderick tweeted something overnight that captures the situation better, or at least more succinctly, than I can:

Talking about depression is hard primarily because you have to endure helpful responses from people that don’t understand.

And there are a lot of people who don’t understand. For the longest time, I didn’t understand. Even people with the proper factual medical knowledge who haven’t actually experienced it still don’t understand, because the societal pressure to just “cheer up” (and if you can’t, to fake it), and encourage others to do so is so deeply ingrained in us, and those sorts of unspoken social contract things can totally overwhelm actual factual knowledge. It’s just he way people’s brains work.

And that’s why so many people don’t get help, or don’t get help soon enough. They bury it, hide it under a veneer or geniality, humor, whatever, and suffer in silence, until it eats them up inside so much that they can’t handle it anymore.

That’s how you get situations like Robin Williams. Or in my case, situations a little closer to home.

About twenty years ago, one of those situations hit about as close to home as is possible to do for me. It was, as they say, a defining moment, one of those that totally changes one’s perspective on life, and points one in an entirely new direction. It didn’t happen right away, but over the course of years of life and self-reflection, I recognized some things about myself, and made a decision about the way I was going to deal with things. I noticed a lot of the same things about myself that I saw in people like my dad, but decided that I wasn’t going to deal with them by burying stuff because of the societal pressure to do so, or because there was some perception of shame for feeling a certain way.

This manifested itself in a lot of ways, but the main one to talk about here is the fact that I got over the stigma (which, let’s be honest, was a tough thing to do), and got help dealing with depression. I made a few changes to the way I live my life to avoid ending up in one of those bad sitautions. Among other things, I talked to my doctor about things, and we came up with some stuff that works, and makes this weird chemical imbalance of mine a lot easier to deal with.

So folks…if you’re struggling; get some help. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. Talk to someone. Don’t get so far down the path that you can’t find your way back.

Things are quiet in this space. That’s because I’m busy learning songs and earning new calluses as I play lots and lots of bass guitar. The big gig is coming, and I am working dilligently to not embarass myself.

my goal is to be off-book for two dozen songs or so by the end of the week before live rehearsals start, and I’m nearly there. We’ll see.

So, that’s why things are quiet. I’m working, or trying to find a local source for Wedgie rubber picks, which have revolutionized my ability to sound competent while playing an electric bass. These picks are amazing, though wear out quickly (and leave a field of pencil-eraser leavings between your pickups to prove it); but it’s all about the sound – the precision and accuracy of a pick in the hands of a six-string guitarist of 30 years, and the sound of fingers on a bass guitar string. They provide exactly what I need. But no local stores seem to sell them. Thank the maker for amazon.

Spent much of the past week feeling pretty awful. There was some sort of viral thing kicking around the office the week previous, and it landed on me, hard, over the weekend, so much so that I took last Monday off and slept for something like 16 hours straight.

I’d mostly gotten clear of it by the end of the week, just in time for it to start to hit some of the kids; this time with fever! Yay. Otherwise, the week was mostly quiet (other than the fevered moaning), with some bass practice, and other rehearsals thrown in, both for stuff a few weeks down the road and for a quick road trip this weekend to play at UC Norfolk on Sunday morning (they’ve been having a rough time of late, and some of our folks filled in to help out). Special points for the meal afterward at Pasha Mezze; if you’re out that way, try the lentil cakes.

The other big deal this weekend, of course, was taking in a screening of Guardians of the Galaxy on Friday (late night Thursday just wasn’t going to happen), which is not just as amazingly entertaining as you’d heard – it’s better, and deserved every penny of it’s huge opening weekend. Go see it.

Oh, and I lay the blame straight at my friend Mike for this:

At least maybe it’ll improve my fitness level…

Windows 95 Tips, Tricks and Tweaks. How have I never seen this before?

It’s brilliant, and more than a little unsettling. Like io9, I need this to be a story, or movie, or something…immediately.

There’s so much here, in such an economical package. It’s the stuff of nightmares, even for those of you who weren’t around back then in the dark ages, and never had the experience of fighting Windows 95 into submission.….who am I kidding, uneasy detente was the closest any of us ever got.

It’s not every day you get to drive north in the southbound lanes of the interstate, and go backwards up an exit ramp.

It’s also not every day it takes one six hours to travel the 14 miles from my house to my office.

Today is not, apparently, every day.

I left for work at just past the normal time today, and ended up stuck on 95 south for more than four hours, less than a quarter mile from this, a rather unpleasant overturned tanker truck incident, which is going to keep the road closed pretty much all day. I had no chance to bail before encountering the back-up, as it had happened scant minutes before I arrived near the scene.

Eventually, after several hours (during which my morning coffee began to insistently make its presence known at the back end of it’s cycle) and the appearance of pretty much every Fire, Rescue, Police, and Hazmat resource in the county, traffic control guys in nice yellow vests started turning cars around, parading us up the shoulder in the opposite direction, and backwards up the exit ramp to get onto an alternate route. Once that was done, I only had another two hours (thanks to bottlenecks, traffic lights, and several secondary fender benders along the way) until I pulled into the office parking lot around noon.

So, that was fun. And, as it looks like the highway will be closed until at least 4pm for cleanup of all the spilled gasoline, I’m already planning alternate routes home.

At least I got some reading done.

Because I had a full spam folder and a spare half-hour. To recap the rules; I grab interesting phrases, not entirely at random, from the spam comments received on this blog. I take the lines and rearrange them into interesting experiments in free verse. I endeavor to change as little as possible from the original source; I think the most I did here was add a couple of line breaks.

No titles, just commentary on what I think this stuff might mean. You’re more than welcome to feel differently. Enjoy!

_____________________________

Commentary on outward appearance. Possibly a little sexy:

When you are ridin’ superior and furthermore lookin’ the best out of them
yet you still receive the same sidelong glances and adoring stares.
most people would likely never risk exposing his or her
chicken tucks
which hangs loose below the knees after being knotted
Flushing this device can lead to increased longevity
Thanks a lot and I am taking a
look forward to touch you.

meditation on modern feminism and the traditional roles of women:

People typically inquire me about women’s liberation
probably 3 days a week and doesn’t play very long
Few items define a woman’s sense of fashion more than her accessories
Moms want to make sure there funds is invested properly
the queen is considered one of the most powerful

regarding America’s persistent economic woes:

he notes that your dog keeps “meticulous” track connected with his finances on her computer
The fixed. The existing. The persnickety. The scarce.
our country really has a broken machine

Exploring the philosophy of machismo in rock music:

living is to understand and handle the fundamental metal chords
the rhythm and the riff
you’ll see that I’m not just a natural badass
been recently rough on my claws

How unreasonable expectations of manhood affect adolescent males:

The boy was not behaving well in class
You are forcing the kids to make their individual pancakes
utilize Emma Watson
redefine the rules established by way of patriarchal system

On the commonality of experience at the gaming table:

Practically every person alive these days has most likely played a match of bingo
an unexpected spot of entertainment
after everybody has shared laughter

Society’s difficulty with accepting variance in sexual orientation:

come out in the pub
wear all your trousers; halfmast
unwanted is really a offense
The foxtrot is refined

Societal disaffection with the prominence of sport in popular culture:

After Bird retired, the Celtics were set for some hard times
Quarterback Dude
Make Use of Vertical Space
How Tall Is Aspirin?

Now you understand how the illuminati controls us all:

you’ll see that I’m not just a natural badass
powerful techniques to control the h2o
Ben Affleck video won best picture
The united kingdom attempted to ban cappuccino
Disney Channel Metoclopramide

one single entry; perfect all by itself (and explains a lot):

Keep up the {superb|terrific|very good|great|good|awesome|fantastic|excellent|amazing|wonderful} works guys I’ve {incorporated||added|included} you guys to {|my|our||my personal|my own} blogroll.|

And because I had some leftover text, some bonus band names:

Wellbutrin accident plan
Regional Clicks
Guidebook to Unwanted Fat Biking
Lunch at PeeWee
Motifs could be Animals

_____________________________

This has been your literary excursion into found art for the day. You should now feel sufficiently cultured.

Have you ever had an impending task looming over you for a good long while, hitting all sorts of impediments that need solved, and causing all manner of stress to your person? Sure you have.

Remember when it finally got resolved? The relief you felt when the stress finally lifted, and you actually physically felt the burden dissipate?

Then, shortly thereafter, feeling yourself pretty much melt into a gooey puddle with no internal structural integrity?

That’s me right now. Good thing I don’t really have a whole lot of heavy lifting on my plate today.

____________________

Anyway, this weekend, in addition to the Anniversary stuff (we had a nice afternoon out without the kids, even if a bit of it invovled errands): Played some games with friends. Slept in a bit. Took in a baseball game. Did a terribly clever parenting thing that might mean we’re really terrible people. Rehearsed a bunch of new and old songs. The guys and I saw Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, which was really quite good.

Today,my marriage is old enough to drive.

Uh, wow.

Cool. Awesome. Overwhelming.

Wow.

Happy anniversary to us.

I spent the early part of this week back in Columbus, Ohio, sitting in on two days of requirements planning sessions for upgrades on a computer system that’s been in service since the late 1950s, is jointly “owned”/supported by two different agencies, and has a directive to remain in service, in some form, until the year 2100.

Yeah.

It wasn’t really all that bad an experience, really. I learned a lot, and was able to contribute materially to the discussions. This business, and the follow-on projects, will probably keep me busy for the next decade or so. Job security is a nice thing.

I drove to Columbus again; I’ve got a pretty direct, not to particularly congested route that take a leisurely eight hours or so with bathroom, gas, and meal breaks. It’s not particularly stressful, allows me some quiet time to enjoy audiobooks (this trip? Brandon Sanderson’s The Rithmatist and about half of Terry Pratchett’s Dodger), and most importantly, keeps me out of the US airline system (folks who flew actually took longer to get there than I did).

Of course, while I was in town, I took the time to get together with good friends Elizabeth and Duncan, who provided entertaining company in The Short Northneighborhood, with dinner and drinks at The Arch City Tavern, and absolutely amazing ice cream at Jeni’s. Much catching up ensued, as well as some discussion of in-progress projects we’re working on for Antimatter Press. A good time, as they say, was had by all.

Today saw new releases from Efenwealt Wystle (aka Scott from my occasional bass gig The Blibbering Humdingers) and comedy rock geek Mikey Mason. Tomorrow sees the release of “Weird” Al Yankovic’s Mandatory Fun (see today’s video – the first of eight in eight days – “Tacky”).

I posit that this is the best week for geek music in like…ever. Prove me wrong, I dare you.

In any case, it was certainly enough to take some of the sting out of my ass after driving for eight hours today to get to Columbus, Ohio for businessy things.