So very little to say. Nothing bad, nothing good. I might go as far as to say that I’m on a slightly more even keel than I was earlier this week, but then, that’s all kind of relative at this point. Stress from all corners at this point in my life is a given; even more so given the General State of Things™.

Getting through the day; that’s the goal.

I know logically I should try harder to let go of some of the stressors that I likely can’t do much about; that’s what my lovely spouse tells me, and she is wise in the way of emotional health; certainly wiser than me. My struggle here is that the things that I can’t do anything about are the ones that feel the most targeted; the most personal. I know logically these thing probably aren’t personal, but it’s really hard not to feel that way because they cut so close; then I feel bad for feeling that way, because it’s me edging into narcissism, and that way lies madness.

How’s that for some vaguebooking? It’s true, I am being purposely non-specific, because frankly, unless I talk to you about it personally, it’s personal. That said, writing things down and posting them publicly (even if few people read it) helps me process thoughts and work through them, so I’m calling it a healthy practice; journaling in the public square or something.

Besides, I pay the hosting fees for this corner of the internet, so I can do whatever I want with it as long as it doesn’t violate the terms of service.

So that’s that; internal monologue temporarily silenced. Here’s the song that I borrowed this post’s title from; it’s imperfectly related, but it’s got some wisdom in there:

I am legitimately, wholeheartedly trying to do my job today, though the technology on the back end is doing it’s damnedest to prevent me from actually doing it. After the disaster of an email/messaging experience on Friday, it seems we’re back to more of the same after the long weekend. I managed to access things long enough this morning to catch the notification regarding the issue and the intention to push a fix through today (Tuesday) morning instead of the logical bank holiday Monday when none of the users would be on to crash things.

That’s just one more little piece of frustration garnishing an already huge stress and frustration casserole. The long weekend was a weekend, but didn’t do much for my general outlook on life; lots of reinforcement of the whole overall feeling of not being able to make progress on things or find much in the way of success or victory, be it big or small; I’m badly in need of a win; any kind of win, in the face of all kinds of perceived setbacks, but it’s just not happening.

I feel like I’m hitting all kinds of walls, professionally, personally, emotionally, and as part of the larger community (as in “the world’s going to hell and I can’t do much about it) and am struggling with feelings of failure. I just can’t get ahead; stuck in a morass of responsibility, disacknowledgement, and depression. On top of that is the feelings of guilt for feeling that way, because compared to a lot of the world, I’m doing pretty damned well, with roof over my head, a job I’m not in danger of losing, and a family that’s alive, not in jail, or addicted to illicit substances. My problems are purely First World, and although my feelings are real, it’s hard for me to consider them valid given how much worse everyone else has it.

I guess this is what a mid-life crisis is. Would probably be easier if I was a purely selfish bastard. The Current State of Things™ doesn’t help, as it severely limits one’s ability to access pressure release valves; even the stereotypical asshole mid-life crisis ones like going out buying sports cars, hair pieces, or having illicit affairs, which I have no particular interest in.* I think the best remedy would be to be able to get out and play music with/for my friends again, but…yeah.

That’s the frame of mind I approach my week with; so you can infer what I’m expecting. Nothing novel on the agenda, but that’s taken as read. At least it’s short (though the short ones always feel longer).

Oh, since my fish tank is overflowing with it, I’ve got some java moss for sale up on Aquabid, in case you need an aquatic plant that’s damned near impossible to kill.

____________________________

* – …okay, the car has it’s appeal, but mine would likely be odd, and not the usual late model ‘Vette with the automatic transmission (this is more my style); I’m a big believer in “slow car fast over fast car slow” anyway. In any case, I don’t have the resources to drop on that kind of project anyway.

It’s quite possible I’m the only idiot in the organization actually working today, given the date on the calendar. I say “working”, though it’s rather difficult to actually accomplish much of anything when the enterprise email system keeps throwing up random code errors instead of my inbox, and I require certain information from people before I can actually accomplish the things on my to-do list, because I’ve done the rest already, and took the online sexual harassment prevention training last week.

Oh well. I was off yesterday, and left the metro area for the first time in a couple of months. Y’see, the kid’s college finally started allowing folks to come in and clear out their dorm rooms, and yesterday was our window. It was not the most entertaining span of time I spent, hauling boxes in the rain while wearing mask and gloves with constantly fogged glasses, but it’s done (well, the van is still full of crap, but that’s her job to deal with). The stuff after the manual labor was somewhat better; we stopped by the kid’s latest paramour‘s house to have a nice socially distanced dinner, and I got a tour of the quite killer music studio in the basement; this is a good one, and not just because we share hobbies; my kid is being treated with respect and appropriate affection, which as it should be.

Yesterday afternoon was kind of a bright spot in a week that was otherwise not exactly the platonic ideal. Weather was kinda crap, dealt with some low-level anxiety, decent groundwork but little actual progress at work, another open mic date come and gone without anyone behind the mic, and word came out yesterday that perhaps my favorite event of the year, Marscon has gone ahead and cancelled for January 2021, because of the Current State of Things™. It’s almost certainly the right call – mid-January is right in the middle of predicted second or third spikes for this crap. That said, it’s the weekend, more than any other, where I get to spend quality time with my chosen family of nerds, geeks, performers, and all manner of others; it feels like coming home, and it’s gonna suck to not have that to look forward to.

It also pretty much puts paid to any other con this year (not that that wasn’t really a given anyway, apart for waiting for the force majeure clauses to kick in), but there’s definitely going to be a bit of a mourning period.

Oh well; I just keep hoping that we’ll take this big societal upheaval and use it as an opportunity to come out the other side with a better model for how to run things, because as history shows, it takes something like this once-in-a-century business or a big-ass war to force the kind of change we need; our model of living and working and whatever has been pretty much stagnant since the era of the World Wars; I, for one, believe we’re due for some evolution.

In any case, that’s my paragraph on socio-historical philosophy. For this long weekend, beyond a trip to the store to buy cat food, I’m not likely to do a hell of a lot, other than enjoy the fact that I’m not working on Monday and can sleep in a little bit. I’m thinking I might make a nice curry and some homemade naan-ish flatbread. We’ll see.

Anyway – tunes. The Spotify Discover Weekly playlist is actually really rocking it for me today. Chunky guitars, post-punk energy, and one of my favorite tunes from the ’00s at #2. I like it so much (both the energy and the truth of the subject for those of us of a certain age) that I went ahead and linked to the video. Also some Replacements-adjacent 90s goodness, which I’ll never say no to:

1. “Dyslexic Heart” – Paul Westerberg
2. “27 Jennifers” – Mike Doughty
3. “Shitty Ballet” – Bleached
4. “Paying of the Happiness” – illuminati hotties
5. “Bad Reputation” – Freedy Johnson
6. “Molly (Sixteen Candles)” – Sponge
7. “What You Don’t Know” – Caroline Spence
8. “Teen Challenge” – Great Grandpa
9. “Rainbow Shiner” – Ex Hex
10. “Savory” – Jawbox
11. “Elvis is in the Freezer” – Ratboys
12. “Killer Parties” – The Hold Steady
13. “Bathed In Light” – The Dirty Nil

My least favorite part of every weekday is the ten or fifteen minutes spanning the time where my alarm goes off at 6:00am; I nearly *always* wake up shortly before the radio (or actually static this morning, since I knocked the clock radio off the nightstand some time this weekend, and it bumped the tuning wheel), and spend a few unpleasant minutes watching it count up, then spending a few more minutes dealing with the fact that I’m completely not excited about picking myself up and being productive, or at least appearing so.

I expect you can relate, at least a little bit.

But yeah, it’s Monday. Started the day off with a phone call about what I consider is a pretty important work thing (it involves a bunch of money that somebody conveniently left off this year’s budget because they didn’t read something closely) that I’m trying to solve, but the people who matter can’t be bothered to show up to meetings or even answer emails. Two of us showed up, the meeting went ten minutes, and got kicked further down the curb. I have the feeling that *I’m* going to get flak for this issue (even though I have nothing to do with setting the budget, nor had anything to do with the extra-weird contracting arrangement that forced the situation), so I’m saving every last scrap of correspondence so that I can prove I’ve been on top of it, but that no one else has been.

Yeah. It’s hard to find positivity in the workplace.

The weekend itself wasn’t all that awful. Some cleaning got done, I made a nice slow-cooked pork butt with my own from-scratch bbq sauce on Saturday, and we did another online happy hour thing Sunday afternoon with friends celebrating someone’s 40th birthday, as well as the announcement that the couple in question is expecting their first child. It was nice.

I also dug into some weird corners of online streaming (after watching Flash Gordon like I said I would on Friday night), finding some true low-budget gems on Amazon Prime, including the gloriously batshit Jurassic Games, which is essentially equal parts Hunger Games, Jurassic Park, and The Running Man.

But today? Yeah, today I just can’t summon enthusiasm about sending more messages to people who I know won’t answer them. Maybe the afternoon will be better.

Who am I kidding?

While I had a few thoughts in this space this week, it’s been largely, you know, the same. Get up (even earlier than usual today, because sleep, it seems, is fleeting), work, maybe go for a walk, handle some chores, watch some tv or read, go to bed.

I while it’s not always obvious, especially in this space, I do have occasional bouts of optimism and enthusiasm. I quite enjoyed my walks in the woods this week (although my iced up ankle last night didn’t), and had some fun digging into the niche film category of “early 80s movies trying to catch the same lightning in a bottle Star Wars did”: Dune is always weird, stylish fun, Krull has some great scenery, Battle Beyond the Stars, well, is. I made a decent apple cobbler the other day with some apples I had lying around.

I also spent some time just existing and marking time. It’s happening to all of us.

Although my state is allegedly going into “Phase One” reopening mode (limited services we didn’t have before; still pretty locked down – restaurants can open, but the conditions they need to meet seem almost not worth the effort) starting today, large portions of it (NoVA, RVA) are hanging back another two weeks, which I honestly think is probably a pretty good idea; it’s not ready. Like a lot of people, I’m likely to hang back myself; my county is going forward, but it might as well count as RVA. I don’t see myself working out of the office again for a while, at any rate, and I’m just getting used to curbside pick-up.

So, yeah, gonna be more of the same for a while.

Tunes and stuff. Very indie this week. Which I guess is okay:

1. “Supervixen” – Garbage
2. “PS Exclusive” – Life Without Buildings
3. “Cry!” – Caroline Rose
4. “Get Lucky” – Heatmiser
5. “People Who Died” – Jim Carroll Band
6. “Teacher Teacher” – Rockpile
7. “Eau D’bedroom Dancing” – Le Tigre
8. “Scott Get the Van, I’m Moving” – Cayetana
9. “Buffalo Calf Road” – A. Savage
10. “Sweet Sweet Midnight” – Stef Chura
11. “Sweet ’69” – Babes In Toyland
12. “50ft Queenie” – PJ Harvey
13. “Tell Em All to Go to Hell” – Ezra Furman

I don’t love wearing the mask when I go out into the world, but I do because it’s the socially responsible thing to do. It doesn’t *feel* right in terms of interaction with others – humans are social creatures who engage with the world through facial expression, and it’s just harder when half the face is covered. But, since I’m not a conspiracy theory nut or an insecure conservative male, I wear it in the appropriate social spaces; it keeps me from sharing any germs I might be carrying (since I might be carrier, even though I’m not displaying symptoms); the purpose is to protect you from me, not me from you. We all do that, it keeps a nice lid on transmission.

Around here, in spite of the mask becoming a left vs. right political statement instead of a ‘for the good of society’ thing, I do see a lot of people wearing them. However, I see a lot of people wearing them wrong, defeating the whole purpose. For those people, I present this image I found on the internet yesterday:

Also, here’s some guidance from the Centers for Disease Control, because they know what’s what.

I’ve all but stopped playing NPR in the car; I need a break from constant news about the current state of things, and the audiobooks of Patrick Rothfuss’s Kingkiller Chronicle give me plenty to work with when I’m making my twice-weekly retail/beer runs and when I take walks around the neighborhood. The constant shit-show of the last 18 months or so (especially) is a guaranteed downer when considering the state of hte world.

I do, however, scan the headlines on a personally-curated list of websites throughout the day and listen to my friend’s excellent political podcast weekly, just to keep abreast of the latest flames from the Dumpster fire; being aware of what’s happening out there is only what ought to be expected of a responsible citizen; doesn’t mean I have to be ever-vigilant to the point of obsession.

Although given the state of things, the Presidential campaign is kind of in a holding pattern beyond the near-constant fundraising emails and naval-gazing pieces about early polling. However, there’s also plenty of somewhat interesting speculation about who Joe Biden’s running mate is going to be, and there’s plenty of grist from the various potentials’ camps and from so-called experts looking to be relevant; and the media has really bitten into Biden’s promise to nominate a woman as his Number Two.

Which means we get somewhat unfortunate headlines like last evening’s post on Jezebel comparing the selection and vetting process to The Bachelor.

It’s kind of an easy, if lazy go-to comparison (exactly like every piece about the Hamilton film coming to Disney + announced today includes some variation of “not throwing away it’s shot”), which I guess is fine, though Jezebel’s editorial position about Biden more of a “fine, we’ll vote for him, I guess” thing and includes more than a little Bernie-bro energy. I’d definitely rather have had any several of the other candidates, though he’s a damn-sight better than the alternative, and from a policy perspective, it’s the most progressive platform we’ve ever seen get this far, though I wouldn’t say no to a little youthful (and by youthful I mean someone within spitting distance of my age – Gen X, although comparatively smaller than the bordering cohorts, ought to get at least one President…), especially given Biden’s age.

I am a student of history (and was once a teacher of government), and from that experience, I can say that the Vice President is exactly as powerful and influential as the President lets them be; historically, the primary role is to shore up weaknesses in the ticket at election time, and to wait around to take over if the boss is incapacitated. That said, I think it’s a little different this time; Joe Biden is 77 years old; which is, I believe, the oldest of any candidate in history to be the presumptive nominee. He’s unofficially indicated that he’s only going to seek one term. Given those conditions, who’s in the number two slot becomes VERY significant; this candidate has a greater-than-average shot of ascending to the Oval Office.

Most of the names being tossed around are many of his former rivals for the nomination; Warren, Harris, Klobuchar. Also in the mix is Georgia’s Stacy Abrams (who’s been actively campaigning for the role), as well as Michigan Governor Gretchen Witmer, as well as others. Feel free to Google, there are plenty of speculative Top 10 lists.

As for my thoughts, I like several, though I worry that Warren’s (who you know I’m a huge fan of in general) age is a concern (she’s a very young 70, but she’s still 70), and honestly, I like the sound of Senate Majority Leader Warren better. Klobuchar is bland, but effective as a Senator; I don’t see much fire there. I like Abrams, think she got robbed of the Georgia Governorship, but think she needs some seasoning. Whitmer might be cool, but again, she’s kind of busy.

I’m honestly ready to throw my insignificant clout behind Senator Kamala Harris. There’s no doubt she’s dynamic, charismatic, and makes a good face for the immediate future of the party. She’s only 55, planting her right in the generational sweet spot, has an interesting backstory, and brings some diversity to the ticket. She’s got experience at the state and national level, and frankly, isn’t afraid to mix it up with the competition (see her debate actions with Biden). She’s relatively moderate, but still a bit to the left of Biden, and provides some geographic balance, and maybe more importantly, is in a Senate seat that’s safe to leave and keep in Democratic hands.

But that’s just my opinion. This week, the chattering class agrees with me, though next week, who knows. She was one of my favorites of the early pack, and given the information I have, however, I think she’d be pretty much ideal.

Today’s header refers not to unfortunate automotive issues (thank goodness), but rather to an old joke I’ve likely made at least a few times before in this space over the years, about having difficulty “getting my ass in gear.”

The last few days, while not being particularly unpleasant, seem to line up with some song lyrics I wrote a few years ago that I haven’t really done anything with yet, but come to mind regularly, for a tune called “White Collar Lament”:

I’m here. I’m here.
But my give-a-shitter is broke

My path is clear.
but what’s keeping me going is Diet Coke.

I’ve got the same meeting three times today
My weekend is still three days away
and my paycheck is already spoken for anyway.

That’s pretty much it. I do the thing, but struggle to care. This is likely most of us. It helps when you give up buying into that “do something you’ll love, you’ll never work a day in your life” crap. My job pays the bills and lets me afford to do some cool stuff now and then; it’s a means to an end, not the end itself. If I meet someone who claims to find meaning and affirmation in the kind of job I do, I’m immediately suspect; they’re either deluded, broken, or trying to sell something. What I do is technically necessary to keep the public infrastructure running, but it’s also unnecessarily complicated by too many steps, too many cooks…too many somethings.

But those of you who are veterans of this particular void-screaming exercise, you already know this. I shall not belabor it further.

Y’know, I’m not even sure it’s worth talking about what the weekend’s going to be like, because you all know what it’s going to look like. It’s going to look a lot like this week, apart from my not booting up the work computer. Stay around the house, maybe go walk in the woods at the local conservation area park along the river if it’s nice. Read, watch a couple of movies, play a game. Cook something…

I actually have been cooking a little bit, improvising with ingredients on hand; earlier this week, I made a really nice homemade chicken barley soup and baked a decent loaf of beer bread. I saw a picture of lasagna this week, so I might go down the street to the store and get the stuff I need for that, because I kind of want some now.

Or, it could be like the other days this week when I couldn’t be bothered and just ate chicken salad sandwiches. Too bad I finished off the chicken salad yesterday.

Nevertheless, we persist. And talk about tunes. Spotify weekly discovery is largely contemporary indie pop and 80s new wave, with some nice modern folk wedged in (I saw the Secret Sisters live last year, and they were amazing. Remember live music?). Not significantly different from the average hour listening to wnrn, and that’s something I won’t complain about, especially with some ‘Mats in the mix:

1. “Double Life” – The Cars
2. “Walking Down Madison” – Kristy McColl
3. “Things I Learned” – Motel Mirrors
4. “Dancing In The Dark” – Lucy Dacus
5. “Better Things” – The Kinks
6. “Hand Over My Heart” – The Secret Sisters
7. “Slipping Away” – Dave Edmunds
8. “Confetti to the Hurricane” – The Deer
9. “Couldn’t I Just Tell You” – Todd Rundgren
10. “Can’t Hardly Wait” – The Replacements
11. “You Better You Bet” – The Who
12. “Dim” – Dada
13. “Me and Julio Down By The Schoolyard” – Me First and the Gimme Gimmes

Being Monday, spirits are not particularly high. Heck, spirits weren’t that high for most of the weekend. I’m just kind of on the low point in the curve, but that’s what it is. The Zoom-based virtual wedding party/thing was kind of fun; we enjoyed spending time with friends in a Brady-Bunch like array on the monitor, and I got to play a tune or two. My friends’ wedding (scheduled for early June) isn’t likely to happen the way they expected, so this was a nice way to salve the wounds a bit.

Otherwise for the weekend, I did the shopping, washed some clothes, made some chicken salad, ate some falafel that my lovely spouse made, lost my first full game of Civilization VI (picked it up on a steam sale a while back) to the Russian Empire AI by only a half-dozen points, and even managed to sell a couple of copies of my record while bandcamp was waiving it’s processing fees on sales – another 20 bucks is another 20 bucks.

Beyond that, though, I spent a fair bit of time just, well, existing. Due to current circumstances, my imperfect brain and emotional state just seem to get stuck in a rut…I mean, more than usual. I miss playing my gigs and going to cons. I miss hanging out with my fellow grocery store barfly friends once or twice a week. I miss the (relative) lack of conflict when I’m out and about taking care of shopping; I miss being able to reliably buy paper products…

I know what’s being done right now is exactly the right way to handle this situation, and I know it won’t be forever. I’m not going to say I miss normal, because it’s pretty damned obvious that normal wasn’t working. On my better days, can even convince myself that we’ll build a new normal that makes things better on the other side of this. But, I’d be lying if I said I don’t find at least some of the current situation tedious and wearying.

But, as they say, we keep calm and carry on. I continue to try to find peace in solitude (my introverted tendencies make this easier for me than some), adapting to my work-from-home routine, laptop in front of me and a cat pleasantly dozing just to my left. I can still venture out for walks or rides when it’s not constantly raining like it’s been the last couple of weeks…

We will manage, occasionally kicking, screaming, and sobbing, but we’ll manage.

Wanna know what helps, though? Some of the cool, creative stuff people are coming up with to fill the time. Exhibit A, this excellent and entertaining video organized by stuntwoman extraordinaire Zoe Bell, and featuring lots of her film industry friends. It’s joyous:

Anyway; we’ll keep rolling along, because it’s all we can do. Stay safe and sane, folks.

just be safe!