If I look back at the calendar and tally all the stuff I clearly got done, it’s obvious there was a weekend, but damn if I’m not having a bit of a difficult time feeling like I had two days away from my desk and all the usual office weirdness of making sure the data continues to flow, the software licenses and support contracts get renewed, and maintaining some optimism that the initiatives I’m trying to champion someday make some of these processes more efficient and cost a little less.

I know time has passed, because on Thursday and Friday there was snow. Now it’s gone, and the sun was pretty bright yesterday. I can see the groceries I bought and the laundry I washed. I can see the balance on my bank account going down as the bills I paid, the tequila the girls-of-age and I drank, and the new kitchen appliances I got ordered have their prices collected. The fish tank is clean, as is the floor of the home office/studio/sewing space. Over to the left in the little box I keep it in, the number of miles hiked and books read have increased a bit.

Stuff has happened. I accomplished tasks. But it mostly feels like a dream in between emails sent, questions answered, memos written, and conference calls attended.

There was a break from all this, but I didn’t reap much of a benefit in terms of rest or stress relief. The headlines I read and the obstacles I have to overcome, and the people out there in my community who have so little empathy for their fellow humans…it’s playing less-than-pleasant games with my mental health and general outlook.

Objectively, I can prove that I’m getting by, day-to-day, and the ledger shows I’m making progress, but for whatever reason; depression, ennui, two-point-something years of global pandemic that keeps on keeping on, It doesn’t feel like I’m moving forward, and that sucks.

I just feel like I badly need some kind of win, and such a thing is currently elusive. My outlook on the future is hazy, and not in a good way like a solid east coast IPA; the future of well, All Of This™,, is uncertain, buried in dark gray fog, and so many of us, not just me, are struggling to find our way through it to a result that feels like a positive.

But, here’s to hoping we do.